Petri Dish
by Laerkstrein
Summary: For a father, it's miserable trying to teach his daughter to keep things out of her mouth.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Bleach, _or any of the _Bleach_ characters used in this fic. They all belong to Tite Kubo: the genius behind the captivating manga that started it all. I only own any of my original characters that I choose to include, as well as any of my own original plot ideas.

**Petri Dish**

**Prompt: **Protecting you...

**A/N: **For LJ.**  
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><p>There was only thing more miserable than being out of beer, and this was it.<p>

Yachiru, clinging to his arm, had been hanging over the toilet for about an hour now, whining that she was feeling sick when, in fact, she hadn't vomited once. Although he frequently wondered why he put up with her crap, he never regretted taking her in. Even through all the pranks and insane laughter, she was the greatest source of joy in his life. But, at the moment, the only thing Kenpachi gave a damn about was beer.

He grimaced, watching her as she shoved her head into the toilet, coughing up a mess that looked a lot like Yumichika's horrid cooking. The captain raised his eyes to the ceiling, hoping that Yachiru hadn't dared eat something the Fifth Seat had offered her. He'd made that mistake once, and had ended up with the worst case of food poisoning imaginable. The narcissistic bastard could fight like the foulest of beasts, but he couldn't produce a meal worth shit.

"All done, brat?" he said as he body went limp with a small moan. Kenpachi lifted her away from the toilet, staring into her weary eyes. "If yer gonna puke again, tell me now."

Her face was flushed, white as the toilet itself, and her breathed smelled of something awful. Fortunately, Yumichika had taken care so as to put breath mints in all the restrooms of the barracks, so Kenpachi merely shoved a handful into the child's mouth. At least the idiot had managed to do one thing right that day. Yachiru nodded, her tiny hands reaching out to touch his face, tongue hanging out of her mouth. Steadying her on his shoulder with a hand, Kenpachi marched out the door and down the hall to her playroom, having decided that it was best if she got some sleep.

After wrapping her in a blanket, the captain had sought out the Fifth Seat, demanding to know if he'd dared to feed Yachiru any of his ungodly creations. The man, having thrown his hands over his head so as to protect himself, had denied having done anything of the sort, insisting that the girl must have wandered off and eaten something off the floor.

The suggestion was certainly plausible, as he'd caught Yachiru trying to eat gum off the sidewalk on a number of occasions. He headed back to her room, noting with surprise that she was up and playing with her stuffed toys, a nasty green spot on the floor welcoming him when he walked in.

"The fuck did ya eat, kid?" he said, staring down at her with a suspicious gaze. "Ya weren't wanderin' around eatin' gum off the floor, were ya?"

She beamed at him, shoving a plush bear against his leg in a make-believe hug. "I wouldn't do that. Silly, Kenny!" she giggled. "I went to go play with all the beeping lights over at Mayurin's, and found a tasty snack sitting on the counter. Nobody seemed to want it, so I ate it!"

Kenpachi's eye widened at her statement, suddenly believing that the bastard had left something lying around so as to poison her. It was a bit of a long-shot, since Yachiru seemed to show up and nag the man at random, but it certainly wasn't beyond him to plan something like this in advance.

Thirty minutes later, he had been to the Twelfth and back, having harassed Kurotsuchi until it had become quite clear that he'd left some kind of bacteria in a petri dish which had caused all of Yachiru's symptoms. But Kenpachi hadn't let it rest at that. He'd made mention of the bastard's inability to keep a child out of his labs as well as the unlikely possibility that he'd ever get laid.

If it weren't for his little girl's screw-up, he wouldn't have laughed himself into dry heaves.


End file.
